The Rat comes clean for past actions, but do not worry—words will flow

The atmosphere in Washington being what it is, the Rat figures
it’s time to clear the air about his own personal scandals.


Confession is good for the soul, or at least for deflecting investigation.


To avoid being investigated by Ken Starr for recent comments about online betting on
Monica Lewinsky’s testimony and to avoid becoming the target of the next cover story
for the Brill’s Content Web site, the cyberrodent is coming clean.


As you know, the Rat has been writing this column for some time.


Although his columns were legally accurate (at least by the Rat’s own assessment
of the law), he did not volunteer certain information.


Indeed, he is not now nor has he ever been an actual rat.


In truth, the Rat is not a member of the Norway, roof or hooded rat species. This
constitutes a lapse in judgment and a personal failure on the Rat’s part, for which
he is solely and completely responsible.


The Rat says to you today that at no time did he accept cheese from Microsoft Corp. or
any other entity in exchange for positive spin. He knows that his columns may have created
a false impression. He misled people, including even his wife. He deeply regrets that.


The cyberrodent can tell you only that he was motivated by many factors, the first
being to protect himself from the embarrassment of his own species-hood.


He was also concerned about protecting his family. The revelation that his children
were half-nutria would expose them to a hostile environment at school, not to mention
making them potential entrees on Louisiana restaurant menus.


The fact that the state of Louisiana now encourages the hunting of nutria, a non-native
species, was a concern.


And being a member of an introduced species raised more questions about the Rat’s
immigration status and his eligibility for federal employment.


With so much of the software industry, the executive branch and the high-tech media
under scrutiny, the Rat felt that eventually his indiscretion would be revealed.


But the Rat’s lawyers have made entirely too much money off him without
acknowledging that, because he was born in the United States and belongs to the American
Federation of State, County and Municipal Employees, the immigration and fish and game
laws do not apply to him.


Now this matter is between the Rat and the people he loves most. And his in-laws. He
must put things right.


The cyberrodent is prepared to do whatever it takes—within his credit limit, of
course. Nothing is more important to him personally. But this is private. It is nobody
else’s business that the furry one and his children are descended from South American
swamp-dwelling alternatives to mink.


The Rat takes responsibility for this. It’s all he can do, barring further
recombinant-gene accidents. Now it’s time—in fact, well past time—to
move on.


After all, he has some important work to do, real opportunities to seize, real problems
to solve—and best of all, real users to torment.  


The Packet Rat once managed networks but now spends his time ferreting out bad
packets in cyberspace. E-mail him at rat@gcn.com.

 

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